dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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