peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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