i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
