Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
