Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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