I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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