I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
