oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
