I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
The power of my boobs compel you
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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