I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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