you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
They took my balls.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Randomize
