I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
