I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
