...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
