He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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