We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
