apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
