So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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