About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
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