Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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