Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
