It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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