dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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