I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
