I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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