My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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