in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
