It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
