im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
