So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
