i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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