Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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