I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
