You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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