i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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