dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
