I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
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