You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
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I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
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Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
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