you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He keeps bees of course he's weird