Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
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She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
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In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.