News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
Everyone says I win the strip club
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
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