Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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