FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
We have started to decorate penises.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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