On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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