i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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