This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
