The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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