Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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