So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Randomize
