my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
