I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
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Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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