I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
We are two peas in an std pod
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Randomize
