The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
