I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
