I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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