Heybabeimwearingurpanties
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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