its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
