i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
