so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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